Friday, December 16, 2011



Two words. F*@&. Yes.

Read about it here!

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Top 12 Christmas Movies/shows

The Indisputably, Absolutely, Positively, Guaranteed Top 12 Christmas Movies/Specials of All Time

Christmas is the most beautiful time of the year; the celebration of the birth of our precious Lord and Savior. Like any good Christian, I do homage to the Baby Jesus by watching  movies and shows that largely exclude him. Hence, this list.

For all of my fan out there, dying to know what my favority type Christmas movies and shows are, boy are you in for a treat. Here it is: The Indisputably, Absolutely, Positively, Guaranteed Top 12 Christmas Movies/Specials of All Time. One for each day of Christmas.

I will be also be judging these movies on five attributes: 
  1. M.M.F.L.A.K.A.M.: or Makes Me Feel Like a Kid Again Meter. This will be judged on a scale of 1-10 - 10 meaning I'm 10 again.
  2. Best Song
  3. Best Scene
  4. Best Quote
  5. B.J.Q. or Baby Jesus Quotient ie. how much Jesus said show packs. Again, 1-10 - 10 being a lotta Baby Jesus.
Before making a ruling on what movies/specials were worthy, this reviewer has consulted the highest authority available: Me. On with the list!

12. Year Without A Santa Claus

Yeah, it's goofy. Yes, it's campy. But it's a hell of a lot of fun! Really, this show only makes the list because of Heat Miser and Snow Miser.

M.M.F.L.A.K.A.M.: [9] Definitely takes me back. I recall it being on cable most of the time. It seemed to me it didn't air every year, either.

Best Song: "I'm Mr. Heat Miser."

Best Scene: Heat Miser/Snow Miser song numbers. What can I say, I'm a sucker for a big Broadway style production number!

Best Quote: After waking from his long winters nap, Santa utters the following phrase, and I'm quoting it as accurately as possible: "Hmm-eehuh-adeh-ohh...whaheyoh...ohbeghyl...AHHHLGHUH..wellookuhgehsh...ah huhhh!"

See it for yourself in the video below. The magic begins at the 4:11 mark.

B.J.Q: [ -2]  All powerful supernatural Mother Nature but no Baby Jesus.

11. A Muppet Christmas Carol

It's the Muppets. What's not to love? 

M.M.F.L.A.K.A.M.: [4]  I was an adult when this came out but it's the Muppets so it brings out the kid in you.

Best Song: Meh. This is the one musical on this list whose soundtrack fails to inspire. I suppose the opening number is the most memorable.

Best Scene: Sam the Eagle teaching young Ebenezer.

Best Quote: "Thank you for making me a part of this!"

B.J.Q: [3]  This is based on Dicken's classic redemption story so...a bit.

10. The Little Drummer Boy

Rankin Bass - it sounds like a game show from the Fishing Network. Still, no one did Christmas specials like Rankin Bass. This show features Jose Ferrer as a character who cannot decide how his name should be pronounced. Is it Ben HarRAMmed or Ben HARRYmed or Ben HaraMED? Seriously, he pronounces it, like, eleven different ways. If you've heard the song you know the story. If you haven't heard the story, then welcome to my blog Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer.

M.M.F.L.A.K.A.M.: [9]  Another show that was usually on cable, as I recall.

Best Song: I know, it's obvious - "Little Drummer Boy" right? Wrong. I love the song, and the version here is great, but my favorite song is the choral piece performed by the Vienna Sausages Choir, "One Star in the Night." I love hearing little Austrian boys sing about our "Zavior."

Best Scene: The manger scene. Beautiful

Best Quote: From our narrator, Miss Greer Garson, "For more powerful, more beautiful by far than all the eons of sadness and cruelty and desolation which had come before, was that one tiny, crystalline second of laughter."


9. It's a Wonderful Life

It really is.

M.M.F.L.A.K.A.M.: [4]

Best Song: Uh..."Buffalo Gal"? *shrug*

Best Scene: The Christmas miracle ending. Makes me tear every time.

Best Quote: Very quotable movie, but I'll go with, "MERRY CHRISTMAS MR. POTTER!"

B.J.Q: [7] An angel is a central character and a potential sinner is saved. Yes Virginia, suicide is a sin.

8. Miracle On 34th Street

This is traditionally the first Christmas show we watch. Since it centers around the Macy's Day Parade, we usually watch this on Thanksgiving weekend. The dude (to lazy to Google) who plays Santa won an Oscar, deservedly so.

M.M.F.L.A.K.A.M.: [4]  I saw this as a kid but I don't associate with my childhood, oddly.

Best Song: Dutch Santa Song

Best Scene: Without question, the scene with Santa and the little Dutch girl.

Sinterklaas kapoentje,
Gooi wat in mijn schoentje,
Gooi wat in mijn laarsje,
Dank u, Sinterklaasje.

Best Quote: "I believe...I believe...STOP UNCLE FRED, STOP!"

B.J.Q: [0] Santa's real name is Kris Kringle here, no mention of St. Nick...

7. The Bishop's Wife

This is the only selection on the list that I bet most of you have never seen, which is a real shame. Great performances - Cary Grant is brilliant as the angel. I discovered this when I was in the hospital and the chair scene (see quote) had me laughing quite painfully.

M.M.F.L.A.K.A.M.: [1]

Best Song: Choir rehearsal song

Best Scene: Choir rehearsal. Only two boys show up for the choir rehearsal but as the angel (Grant) directs them, more of the boys show up, singing as they enter, until all the boys are present, singing beautifully. It's a very moving scene.

Best Quote: Mrs. Hamilton, "Have a chair." Bishop Brougham, "Thank you...I have one."

B.J.Q: [8] Another movie staring an angel. And a Bishop. Also a very beautiful scene where the angel tells the story of Psalm 23.

 6. A Christmas Carol  

There are a GAJILLION versions of this quintessential Christmas story but this is THE definitive version. George C. Scott. IS Scrooge - easily the best performance of this character that I've ever seen.Scott's Scrooge is every bit the miserable miser, but you can sense a keen intellect and (dark) sense of humor beneath the vile ol' sinner. Love the chemistry between Scrooge and the Ghost of Christmas Present.

M.M.F.L.A.K.A.M.: [3]

Best Song: "God Bless Us, Everyone" - Written for the show, it fits the Victorian mood very nicely.

Best Scene: Scrooge, after his reclamation, shows up at his Nephew Fred's house and meets his wife Janet. He says to Janet, "I was in love once, would you believe that?" To which Janet replies, "Yes." I just love this scene.

Best Quote: "It's all Bob Cratchit can afford!"

B.J.Q: [7]  Dicken's redemption story again, but with more feeling than the Muppet version.

5. The Grinch Who Stole Christmas

I'm not talking about the Crime Against Humanity that is the Jim Carey version, no, I mean the real O.G. - the Dr. Seuss/Chuck Jones masterpiece narrated abso-friggin' brilliantly by Boris "The Man" Karloff. 

M.M.F.L.A.K.A.M.: [10]

Best Song: "You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch" - What the hell else could it be? Tony the Tiger FTW

Best Scene: "The Grinch got an idea. An AWFUL idea..."

Best. Smile. EVER.
Best Quote: "Christmas day will always be, just as long as we have we."

B.J.Q: [3]  No mention of the Baby Jesus but it's a beautiful redemption story.

4. White Christmas

Now THIS is how you do a musical, kiddies. Bing, Danny Kaye, and Rosemary Clooney sing their socks off, while Vera Ellen puts on a display of incredible dancing. GREAT music (White Christmas is really the only Christmas song) and GREAT dancing - what more could you want?

M.M.F.L.A.K.A.M.: [2] Not something I really remember as a kid, but I'm sure I saw it.

Best Song: "Love, You Didn't Do Right By Me" - Okay, so it's not exactly a Christmas song. Still, this song does right by me and I love it. Not surprisingly, since this is a musical, the music and performances are TOP notch.

Best Scene: The closing scene where the camera pans out on the audience with all the familys gathered singing "White Christmas." Always brings a tear...

Best Quote: "When what's left of you gets around to what's left to be gotten, what's left to be gotten won't be worth getting, whatever it is you've got left."

B.J.Q: [0]  The Baby Jesus does not exist in this dojo.

3. A Christmas Story

"YOU'LL SHOOT YOUR EYE OUT!" I love the ever living hell out of this flick (see what I did there? flick - Flick. Get it?). The parents remind me so much of my own dear parents. My dad was gruff like that. And swore like that. If he hit his hand with a hammer he was just like the old man. "RACKFLABLE CARFNIFFER RABBLESNITZER FLAGDABIT"
My folks also said so many of the things Ralphie's parents did - "Starving people in China!" "DON'T YOU GIVE ME THAT LOOK - YOU'RE GONNA GET IT!"

M.M.F.L.A.K.A.M.: [7] This came out when I was older but it reminds me of my family. So true to our family Christmas'.

Best Song: "Deck the Halls/Jingle Bells Medley" sung by the Chinese waiters.

Best Scene: This was the hardest to pick a "best" scene because it's a movie full of best scenes. "A+ A+ A+," "Soap Poisoning," Santa's Lap, the Major Award, "Tripple Dog Dare." - I mean, really, any of those would do. But if I had to pick just one, I would have to pick the hidden gift scene at the end. My parents did this for me. *sniff*


B.J.Q: [0] 

When you saw this:

You knew this was on it's way:

2. A Charlie Brown Christmas

God I love that CBS Special promo. Peanuts is one of the best comic strips of all time. If you only know Peanuts from the modern Sunday paper and you think it's lame (it is) then I pity you. Back in his prime, Schultz was brilliant and this show is prime Schultz. The jokes are sharp and the show is one of the few that touches on the true meaning of Christmas. Oh, and Vince Guaraldi is the shizit.

M.M.F.L.A.K.A.M.: [10] -  I wish I had a version of this with that CBS Special video in front. I'd be 10 again. :)

Best Song: "Linus and Lucy" Whole soundtrack is awesome.

Best Scene: Jingle Bells. *plink plink plink. plink plink plink....plink plink* "THAT'S IT!!" Pricless.

Best Quote: "All I want is what I...I have coming to me. All I want is my fair share."

B.J.Q: [9]  Linus quotes scripture. Very, very brave.

1. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer

CYNICS BEWARE. This show will melt your icy heart. The animation, art style, music - everything about this show is just perfect.

M.M.F.L.A.K.A.M.: [11] - This one goes to 11.

Best Song: "There's Always Tomorrow" - This show is loaded with great songs from beginning to end. I could have easily picked "Most Wonderful Day of the Year" or "Holly Jolly Christmas." 

Also "Fame and Fortune" >>>>>>>>>>>"Why Am I Such a Misfit"

Best Scene: Baby Rudolph with the sleigh bells. Clarice was right Rudolph, you are cute, so very, very cute.

Best Quote: "I'M CUTE! SHE SAID I'M CUUUUUUUTE!" We've established that you are cute.

B.J.Q:  [ 3 ] Yeah, I know, no Baby Jesus. But if the adorable cuteness of Baby Rudolph does not speak to the existence of a loving God, I don't know what does.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Godzilla Cares: Nutrition PSA

Godzilla Cares: Nutrition PSA

Here's an important message from Godzilla regarding good nutrition.

Words of wisdom form someone who knows a thing or two about devouring.

Friday, December 9, 2011

House of the Rising Sun Old School Computer Remix!


House of the Rising Sun Old School Computer Remix 

Saw this on OhGizmo. It's made using only outdated computer/office equipment from before the dawn of man.

The following equipment is used:

a. HP Scanjet 3P, Adaptec SCSI card and a computer powered by Ubuntu v9.10 OS as the Vocals.
b. Atari 800XL with an EiCO Oscilloscope as the Organ
c. Texas instrument Ti-99/4A with a Tektronix Oscilloscope as the Guitar
d. Hard-drive powered by a PiC16F84A microcontroller as the bass drum and cymbal

Very kewl old school! 

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Mr. Pigmon's Guide to Marital Bliss: Christmas Gift Guide!

Hey Boss! Mr. Pigmon here! The holidays are right around the corner and you still haven't bought your certain special someone a certain special gift yet, have you? Well, Mr. Pigmon is here to save your donkey! All 4 of the gifts featured here are guaranteed to get a big reaction from your lady friend! Let's begin!

1. Proto J253G Pliers Connector Soft Jaw - $25.33 at

"Why pliers Mr. Pigmon? Isn't this a man toy?" you may be asking and "Pliers are not just for men." Mr. Pigmon would be answering!

You see, it's my understanding that most women have difficulty opening things like jars, bottles or doors. That's where the pliers come in.

Check out this:

As you can see, lids have been the bane of women from time immemorial. Remember, not all lids are as easy to open as Alcoa brand lids and with these handy pliers you can save her the embarrassment of having to interrupt your game when she's trying to open the salsa for your chips! Not only do they feature an adjustable width to tackle larger bottles or jars, but the smooth rubber handle won't chafe her hands or chip her nails!

Note: these pliers are not recommended for opening doors - she'll still have to rely on you for that.

2. PRO-SERIES Drywall Stilts - $135.00 at Home Depot

If there's one thing all women are terrified of (besides wearing the same dress as another woman at a party) it's mice! One minute she's chopping celery for the tuna casserole, the next she's screeching like a banshee at the top of her lungs, desperately teetering on a chair, bleeding fear, at the sight of mousical danger below.

With these brilliant PRO-SERIES Drywall stilts, your lady friend will be whistling a happy tune as she calmly divvies up the tuna casserole, should she find herself confronted by one of these furry fear machines.

And with the handy height adjustment, she should feel safe from any rodent up to capybara size.

Always a good idea to protect your lady parts around rodents.

3. California Girl Fake Nail Kit - $5.68 at

All women want to look their best while still being able to keep a clean tidy house and a well fed you. However, this can create a dilemma. Cleaning and scrubbing takes it's toll on the hands.

See here:

With these beautiful fake nails she can continue to do the work she loves and not have to worry about showing you cracked mangly troll paws.

It's a perfect gift for any woman, even if your lady friend is a fourteen fingered mutant like the gal in this ad.

4. Kidde Kidde 408-466141 3 Lb. 10Bc Kitchen-Garage Fire Extinguisher - $26.34 at Sears

Women are a fragile powder keg of emotional insecurities. She's just one chipped nail away from a Defcon 5 emotional meltdown. With this in mind, it's only a matter of time before your ham steak becomes a Viking funeral. Yes, sooner or later she's going to start a fire. 

Be ready for that day with this practical, yet stylish, fire extinguisher. It's big enough to handle any kitchen crises yet light enough for her to use. Just remember to go over the instructions for proper fire extinguisher use before inferno time!

Pro tip: Always point out things she didn't burn. It'll make her feel better.

If you've already given your gal pal all the gifts already suggested, Mr. Pigmon offers this bit of bonus advice! Try this handy list:

Pro tip: Make sure you do it before she cries!

Well, that's if for now! See ya soon Boss!

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Presidential Election 2012: Analysis

Presidential Election 2012: Analysis - 1 Year Out

Welcome to's exclusive analysis of the 2012 Presidential election.

In order to make an informed decision, you need thoughtful, insightful, unbiased analysis yet you chose to come here. Bully for you. On to the analysis.

Before we begin, you need to understand the nature of Political Analysis, and by that I mean, understand that "anal" is part of analysis. Now we are ready to proceed.

The Democrats

President Barack Obama
President Obama, pray for us.
On January 20, 2009 our country finally woke from it's national nightmare to the sounds of singing birds, warm gentle breezes blowing across sun kissed pastures. We awoke to Hope. Barack H. Obama (I believe the "H" is for "Holy") became the 44th President of the United States on this day, arriving at his inauguration mounted on a crystal white unicorn crapping a river of rainbows.

So, where are we at in the Obama presidency?

With Obama's victory, Democrats received a massive mandate from the American people: a huge majority in the House and an almost super majority in the Senate.

President Obama went to work immediately, executing the sweeping changes he promised as a candidate. He ended the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, closed Guantanamo Bay, ended extraordinary rendition, restored civil liberties compromised by the Patriot Act, took on the Wall Street crooks, crafted a stimulus package and jobs programs that put Americans back to work, lowering the unemployment rate to 6% and, using his huge majority in Congress, passed comprehensive health care reform, creating a European style system that guaranteed health care for all Americans. He won the Nobel Peace Prize and his portrait replaced George Washington's on Mount Rushmore The presidential counter was reset, meaning Barack Obama is now considered the 1st President of the USA. On his seventh day in office he rested.

F*#@ you George.
Oh, snap. I apologize. I was lazy and I just used the info I had on Candidate Obama and extrapolated to President Obama. Sorry, my bad. So, yeah, what I said, basically just take my analysis and read it as if he did the opposite. The right never liked this guy, they basically consider him Stalin wearing Satan's panties. However, it's the left he needs to worry about. This president is venerable.

Oh, and I was right about the Nobel Peace Prize. I guess he got that for...expanding two wars? 

The Republicans

So, the President is venerable. A fistfull of broken promises, a bad (awful) economy and gloomy outlook has given the American public a sense of Buyer's Remorse. The time is ripe; surely the G.O.P can take advantage of this situation.
Er...wrong situation.

Time to look at the Republican field:

Mitt Romney
The best image I could find.
Mitt Romney: The eventual nominee. At least, that's what the Romney campaign would have everyone believe. Unfortunately for the Romney campaign, G.O.P. voters have been very fickle in their convictions. Fortunately for Romney, that's something he completely understands. There's still plenty of time for him to craft core convictions that will appeal to a majority of Republicans. The trick will be to modify those core beliefs to grab independents and dems, without losing the G.O.P. If anyone can do it, he can.

Newt Gingrich
"It's 'bout yea big. Look the ladies love me."

Newt Gingrich loves babies...TO EAT THEM. We kid, we kid. The former House speaker, is currently leading the pack. Known for his jovial conciliatory manner, Mr. Gingrich is a non-divisive figure capable of uniting America. Oh, say, I have this bridge...

Gov. Rick Perry
"Don't mess with Texas.

Gov. Perry was the 43rd President of the United States of America. He is running for a third term. To date, his candidacy has been plagued by missteps and miscalculations, like much of his Presidency.

Ron Paul

Wow. This kinda changes everything. Do I want a wizard for President? Hell yes! Go Ron Paul!!

EDIT: Damn. I did some research and I'm sorry to inform you that Ron Paul was not Gandalf, but just some wacky Congressman from Texas. Oh well...

Michele Bachmann

OMG!!! MICHELLE BACHMANN WAS BATBOY?? I F#$%ING LOVE BATBOY. SHE IS TOTALLY MY CANDIDATE!! So help you internet this better not turn out to be false. After the Ron Paul thing I don't think I could take it.

EDIT: FU internet. F. U.

Enough already. Who the hell isn't running for the G.O.P. nomination? Ima speeding this shite up.

The Rest

Rick Something - He was like, Gov. or Congressman or something?
Jon Huntsman - This movie looks like ass.

Herman Cain - Pizza pizza.

So...this is what America has to choose from? Oh, wait there is an alternative.

The G-party

Godzilla, King of Monsters
Bad ass.

Consider, if you will, how Godzilla would deal with the festering Capitol-shaped cow patty in Washington. It wouldn't be pretty, but it sure as tits would be damn effective.

Congress holding up nominees? Not gonna happen.

Filibusters? Bring it the f@#$ on.

President Godzilla would cut through the red tape faster than Gigan runs away (for those unfamiliar w/the Godzilla series, that's friggin' fast).

President Godzilla would put America back to work - big time - rebuilding this great country. Literally. New roads, new buildings, new cities; America reborn from the ashes (again, literally).

Foreign policy credentials? Ask Japan.

The choice is clear, America needs a President and Godzilla's available.


Well, this concludes our analysis for now. The choice is up to you. You can make the right choice (Godzilla) or the wrong choice (Some douche not named Godzilla) but please exercise your right to vote.


Friday, December 2, 2011

Parental Joy

Possible proof that a loving God does not exist.
"I love you, you love me..."

I'm sure most of you are familiar with this ditty. It's the delightful theme song to the beloved children's show Barney. Oh, wait, sorry, I forgot I wasn't in Bizzaro world. I mean it's the insufferably annoying blabble that introduces Satan's favorite kiddy program, featuring the despised pedo-saur Barney. There, that's much better. 

  For those of you with children, I'm sure you've heard this theme more than you'd care to. Which means, more than once. For those of you who grew up with this, I sure the therapy will work someday. For myself, I was blessed with a son who was never very fond of Barney. I always considered this a good sign. However, we had a couple of videos, given by people who hated us and he would occasionally want to watch them. I probably don't have to tell you that having to watch this program most certainly violates the Geneva Convention. It absolutely violates the soul. Fortunately, our son quickly moved on from Barney but some things cannot be unseen. Or unheard.
Bizzaro: "Me am want to kill that purple @!$%."

Which brings us to the present. One day, on our way to school, I had the pleasure of singing the Barney theme song to my son who is now thirteen. I forget now, the exact reason I was singing it, still it brought me great joy. Not the song itself of course, which is still a holocaust for the ears, but for the pain and torment it dealt to my son. He writhed about in the back seat, his furrowed brow seething with anger, with his eyes firing atomic daggers at my head. He asked, with much gnashing of teeth, "Why are you singing that?" I pleasantly replied, "Son, when you're a parent, you sacrifice and toil so that your children may be rewarded with a good life. But when your children reach a certain age, they must learn to spread their wings and handle the difficulties of life. Then is the time that children must sacrifice and the parents reap the rewards. This," I said gleefully, "this is my reward."

Barney DVD: $11.99
Cost of watching said DVD: 1 year of your life/minute
Your child's "Scream painting" recreation when you sing the Barney theme song: Priceless

Definite proof that a loving God does not exist.

Friday, October 28, 2011

Godzilla 2012 News: Presidential Poll

Godzilla Holds Commanding Lead in latest 2012 Poll

NEW YORK (AP) -  A Facebook / poll released today shows 3rd party candidate Godzilla with a commanding lead in the 2012 Presidential election. In the poll, which asked prospective voters, "If the election was held today, who would you vote for?" Godzilla captured an astounding 82.5 % of the vote, followed by President Obama with 12.5 % and former MA. Gov. Mitt Romney at 5%.

"What you see here is voter dissatisfaction with those in power," said G-party spokespersons the Shōbijin also known as the Mothra faeries. "Godzilla will bring true leadership and a willingness to listen. He may still step on you but at least he will listen."

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Godzilla to Join Dancing with the Stars?

Godzilla "cutting the rug" with King Kong.
Godzilla to join Dancing With the Stars?

Godzilla, currently running for President of the United States in the 2012 election, has been cited as a possible participant for the 2012 season of the popular ABC show Dancing with the Stars. A source close to the show is quoted as saying, "Our people have been in talks with his people/monsters."

While Godzilla has issued no formal comment, a G Party spokesman has indicated that there is no truth to this rumor.

Godzilla is known for his jitterbug skills and he also has been known to do the Charleston from time to time.

Amazing Fact: Confucious' Love Advice

The original Barry White
Confucious: Love Machine

Confucious, born around 551 B.C. is well known as a a great Chinese philosopher/thinker. What is not so well known is how "bootyliscious" he was.

Sadly, most of his best love sayings have been hijacked by rock and pop artists over the years and the original authorship long forgotten.

Some of his finer lines:

"If you can't be with the one you love, honey, love the one you're with."

"If your girl starts acting up, then you take her friend."

"You can't hurry love. No, you just have to wait."

"She's got legs. She knows how to use them."

There is no doubt - Confucious was a genius.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

LEGO Zelda: Help me out!

Would you like to own this? IT CAN HAPPEN
Hey gang! LEGO has this awesome new service called Cuusoo. If your design is popular enough, LEGO might actually produce it! Please "like" my design and support it if possible. May the triforce be with you!

Clickety click here to help me out!

My set also features a canon to blast pesky sea beasts!

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Ode to a Gas Station Toilet

I have penned (well, actually typed) a poem in honor of the gas station toilet. I'm not usually given to prose, but I felt moved, much like my colon after mushrooms. Here 'tis:
Ode to a Gas Station Toilet

O you tired porcelain,
spattered and stained,
your foundation, slightly askew,
like so much of the ass which has
graced your weary mantle.

There you sit,
a worn, dirty brown brush,
it's frayed bristles
adorned with filth and dust
and a cracked plunger,
it's rubber, dry and caking,
it's handle split
your only companions.

Yet your lonely vigil you keep
"Come," you say. "Sit thine throne, mighty one.
Loose thy weary burden."
Your words are but a cruel jape
your great maw beholds what remains
of the last "mighty one"
who sat your unholy dais.

O, gas station toilet,
how long will you endure?
How long before your casings give way,
before you flee the curses
and excrement
heaved upon you?

For me, I shall never know.
I have already left.

For the woods.

Friday, October 14, 2011

The Worst Thing in the History of Forever

Worst. Thing. Ever.

Hi there! Hope your having a good day 'cause I'm about to ruin it. And you'll probably never sleep again. You're welcome.

Don't worry, it's just a video from a long time ago. He can't hurt you now.

Oh wait...he's RIGHT BEHIND YOU.

Back in bidness!

"My favorite websites back? Hot damn!"
I'm Back!

Hi again! To all of my faithful, dedicated fan out there who've been suffering knowledge deprivation: your wait is over. EyeJustMadeItUp is back in bidness!

Look forward to more of the hard-hitting, thoughtful journalism, commentary and shrewd advice you've come to expect from EyeJustMadeItUp. We're not afraid to ask the tough questions and give you the tough answers (or tough lies if we don't know the answer). 

You want to know how Godzilla's presidential campaign is going? You got it.

Want to learn how to save your doomed relationship? Mr. Pigmon has the answers.

Afraid of wild cows? You should be.

So look out internets, we're back, better than ever, ready to fill your head chock full of knowledge, so you too can be full of it. Information, that is.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Gas Station Bathrooms: A Remembrance

Clean and working? This looks promising!
Gas Station Bathrooms: A Remembrance

It's a hot summers day in 1977. Your in the back seat of a '76 Chrystler wagon, fake wood paneling on the side. Some crap tune is playing on the AM dial. The windows are rolled down, the breeze providing little comfort to the oppressively muggy day. But none of that matters. All that matters is you have to go to the bathroom, like NOW. And there's only one option available: the gas station bathroom.  *shudder*

If you shuddered in fear at this thought then you're obviously old enough to remember this ordeal. If not, then put down the pimple medicine junior and learn of the dark age of gas station bathrooms.

You see, unlike today's mini marts (gleaming grocery stores disguised as gas stations) the filling station of yesteryear was a dingy, dreary, wretched little hole that sold gas, soda, candy, cigarettes, and candy cigarettes. It was probably also a repair shop with a (equally dingy) garage. That's about it.

So what was it like? Buckle the fuck up and read on, brave soldier!

Your mom pulls the wagon into a gas station. It quite probably looks like this:

While dirty and rundown, at least it has "character." Then again, Deliverance had, "character."

She parks the car. You the notice the bathroom is on the outside (back in the day they were nearly always on the outside). So you head to the door and SURPRISE - it's locked. Well, your not really surprised. Of course it's locked. They were always locked, but you thought you'd try anyway. You thought, "Maybe, just maybe, today will be the day I don't have to go get..."

The Key

Usually attached to a piece of lumber or iron to discourage theft. Good thinking!
What's so bad about the key? Well nothing really, at least as far as the key itself; it's just a stupid key. But in order to get the key, you must enter into the small dark, dingy building also known as the lair of...

The Troll (sometimes referred to as: the attendant)

Gas station attendant c.1950
The troll you need to get the key from

Back in the 1950's the smiling gas station attendant would check your oil and wipe your windshield while he pumped your gas. By the time the 70's rolled around, the species had devolved (probably as a result of nuclear testing, scientists aren't sure) into a greasy haired, unkempt, rat-like troll man who communicated with grunts and mumbles; the smarter ones might know a few human words. I swear, gas station hiring guidelines must have demanded creepiness in their employees. "Your a former carney and rodeo clown? Welcome aboard, son!"

So, bravely you enter the station. The inside is dusty and smells like old oil mixed with stale smoke. A thin film of grime covers every surface. You cautiously approach the troll behind the counter. "Uh...can I have the key to th-" you start to say but the troll has noticed you. "HRSSE BLLARG NAKKR," he mumbles, thrusting the key in your face. You have it!

Dah na na na!
Now it's off to...

The Bathroom

You approach the door: a stained battered unwelcoming gateway to hell. *WARNING: GEEK REFERENCE* If Tolkien had made this the door to Moria, then instead of "Speak Friend and Enter" the Elvish runes would read: "STFU and Get Fucking Lost." Trust me, what waits beyond this door is worse than anything Moria had to offer.

You turn the key and behold, the door opens! Do you know what stale urine on a hot day smells like? Good. Now imagine that odor as an air freshener trying desperately to cover up a much fouler stench and you'll have a good idea of what greets you as you open the door.

Indiana Jones was still a few years away but I'm convinced that Speilberg and Lucas found some inspiration in a place much like this; navigating the "rest room" was like the hidden cave in the opening of Raiders. Did you duck while entering? Good! You managed to avoid the large spider suspended at face level. Watch out for the sticky gum! Make sure to avoid the stagnant pond in the corner! Is that centipede dead? Best not think about it...

You are here! At last! Your eye on the prize! You win!!

The prize.

You lose.

As bad as this looks (and trust me, it looks very, very bad) it may soon be over!  If:
  1. you only need to pee AND
  2. you have a penis,
then congrats! You're in luck! Just wad up some toilet paper, lift the lid, and badda bing! Mission accomplished
Fuck yeah

if you do not meet either condition 1 or 2 above, then it's on to... 

The Cleansing 

So, you've got a poopie or a coochie - or both. There's no getting around it; your flesh must come into contact with the toilet. Here's what you do, just wad up some paper towel...

Totally sanitary!
*sigh*. One of these. Are you familiar with the rotating cloth towel dispenser? No, well aren't you fortunate! These featured a cloth towel roll. You'd pull it to advance a clean section. The only problem was that there was NEVER a clean section. These things were notorious for jamming and most had not been changed since the Johnson administration. So what you were left with was a grimy, soiled, bacteria ridden slab of fabric which would render your hands dirtier than if you didn't wash. You used nature's towel: air. And your pants.

Okay, so you grab some toilet paper...

Fuckity, fuck fuck. screw it! Maybe the seat isn't too dirty and we can just...

guess again, fucker!

Guess not. Well, it's back to the troll's lair...

You return to the troll and boy, is he ever happy to see you again! "WHKNE TEGH PROMBGL NHE?" he bleats. You tell him about the missing TP. After a few more mumbles he returns with a precious new roll.

Back to the can! Now your ready! The shit's about to go down. Literally.

So you wad up your paper, run it under some water (wait 'til the rust clears) add a little soap, and...WAKE UP FROM YOUR FANTASY! Did you really think there would be soap? You silly, silly little person. They NEVER have soap. EVER. There might be a soap dispenser but it will only be there to taunt you. It will certainly be empty. 

So you take your sad little wet nap and wipe down the seat. It doesn't look much better. But at least you can tell yourself that you gave it a more thorough cleaning than it's likely had in months.

The next step is to tear strips of paper to put all around the seat to form a "butt shield." Now, at last your ready to take care of business. Finally, despite the flies, and the spiders and the stench and the unbearable suffocating heat, you are free at last! Time to enjoy the relief!

Wait...what's that? A plooper? ARGGHHHH!! The dirty toilet water has splattered me! ARRGHHHGRHHRHHHH! You die.

Well, that end the history lesson, kiddies. Remember this the next time you have to stop at your clean, air-conditioned mini mart to drop a deuce. Remember the brave souls who had to endure these conditions and be thankful for your good fortune.