Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Presidential Election 2012: Analysis

Presidential Election 2012: Analysis - 1 Year Out

Welcome to EyeJustMadeItUp.com's exclusive analysis of the 2012 Presidential election.

In order to make an informed decision, you need thoughtful, insightful, unbiased analysis yet you chose to come here. Bully for you. On to the analysis.

Before we begin, you need to understand the nature of Political Analysis, and by that I mean, understand that "anal" is part of analysis. Now we are ready to proceed.

The Democrats

President Barack Obama
President Obama, pray for us.
On January 20, 2009 our country finally woke from it's national nightmare to the sounds of singing birds, warm gentle breezes blowing across sun kissed pastures. We awoke to Hope. Barack H. Obama (I believe the "H" is for "Holy") became the 44th President of the United States on this day, arriving at his inauguration mounted on a crystal white unicorn crapping a river of rainbows.

So, where are we at in the Obama presidency?

With Obama's victory, Democrats received a massive mandate from the American people: a huge majority in the House and an almost super majority in the Senate.

President Obama went to work immediately, executing the sweeping changes he promised as a candidate. He ended the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, closed Guantanamo Bay, ended extraordinary rendition, restored civil liberties compromised by the Patriot Act, took on the Wall Street crooks, crafted a stimulus package and jobs programs that put Americans back to work, lowering the unemployment rate to 6% and, using his huge majority in Congress, passed comprehensive health care reform, creating a European style system that guaranteed health care for all Americans. He won the Nobel Peace Prize and his portrait replaced George Washington's on Mount Rushmore The presidential counter was reset, meaning Barack Obama is now considered the 1st President of the USA. On his seventh day in office he rested.

F*#@ you George.
Oh, snap. I apologize. I was lazy and I just used the info I had on Candidate Obama and extrapolated to President Obama. Sorry, my bad. So, yeah, what I said, basically just take my analysis and read it as if he did the opposite. The right never liked this guy, they basically consider him Stalin wearing Satan's panties. However, it's the left he needs to worry about. This president is venerable.

Oh, and I was right about the Nobel Peace Prize. I guess he got that for...expanding two wars? 

The Republicans

So, the President is venerable. A fistfull of broken promises, a bad (awful) economy and gloomy outlook has given the American public a sense of Buyer's Remorse. The time is ripe; surely the G.O.P can take advantage of this situation.
Er...wrong situation.

Time to look at the Republican field:

Mitt Romney
The best image I could find.
Mitt Romney: The eventual nominee. At least, that's what the Romney campaign would have everyone believe. Unfortunately for the Romney campaign, G.O.P. voters have been very fickle in their convictions. Fortunately for Romney, that's something he completely understands. There's still plenty of time for him to craft core convictions that will appeal to a majority of Republicans. The trick will be to modify those core beliefs to grab independents and dems, without losing the G.O.P. If anyone can do it, he can.

Newt Gingrich
"It's 'bout yea big. Look the ladies love me."

Newt Gingrich loves babies...TO EAT THEM. We kid, we kid. The former House speaker, is currently leading the pack. Known for his jovial conciliatory manner, Mr. Gingrich is a non-divisive figure capable of uniting America. Oh, say, I have this bridge...

Gov. Rick Perry
"Don't mess with Texas.

Gov. Perry was the 43rd President of the United States of America. He is running for a third term. To date, his candidacy has been plagued by missteps and miscalculations, like much of his Presidency.

Ron Paul

Wow. This kinda changes everything. Do I want a wizard for President? Hell yes! Go Ron Paul!!

EDIT: Damn. I did some research and I'm sorry to inform you that Ron Paul was not Gandalf, but just some wacky Congressman from Texas. Oh well...

Michele Bachmann

OMG!!! MICHELLE BACHMANN WAS BATBOY?? I F#$%ING LOVE BATBOY. SHE IS TOTALLY MY CANDIDATE!! So help you internet this better not turn out to be false. After the Ron Paul thing I don't think I could take it.

EDIT: FU internet. F. U.

Enough already. Who the hell isn't running for the G.O.P. nomination? Ima speeding this shite up.

The Rest

Rick Something - He was like, Gov. or Congressman or something?
Jon Huntsman - This movie looks like ass.

Herman Cain - Pizza pizza.

So...this is what America has to choose from? Oh, wait there is an alternative.

The G-party

Godzilla, King of Monsters
Bad ass.

Consider, if you will, how Godzilla would deal with the festering Capitol-shaped cow patty in Washington. It wouldn't be pretty, but it sure as tits would be damn effective.

Congress holding up nominees? Not gonna happen.

Filibusters? Bring it the f@#$ on.

President Godzilla would cut through the red tape faster than Gigan runs away (for those unfamiliar w/the Godzilla series, that's friggin' fast).

President Godzilla would put America back to work - big time - rebuilding this great country. Literally. New roads, new buildings, new cities; America reborn from the ashes (again, literally).

Foreign policy credentials? Ask Japan.

The choice is clear, America needs a President and Godzilla's available.


Well, this concludes our analysis for now. The choice is up to you. You can make the right choice (Godzilla) or the wrong choice (Some douche not named Godzilla) but please exercise your right to vote.



  1. HELL YES, he has my vote

  2. Big Z has my vote!

  3. Is Mothra in the running? And if not, why not?!

  4. @Addman - good question. We've heard rumblings (not just Big G's footsteps) that there may be major announcement in the next few days from a prominent member of the Kaiju community. Stay tuned...

  5. LOL. I concur. Godzilla is def the best candidate!