Mr. Pigmon's Guide to Marital Bliss: Christmas Gift Guide!

Hey Boss! Mr. Pigmon here! The holidays are right around the corner and you still haven't bought your certain special someone a certain special gift yet, have you? Well, Mr. Pigmon is here to save your donkey! All 4 of the gifts featured here are guaranteed to get a big reaction from your lady friend! Let's begin!




1. Proto J253G Pliers Connector Soft Jaw - $25.33 at Toolup.com


"Why pliers Mr. Pigmon? Isn't this a man toy?" you may be asking and "Pliers are not just for men." Mr. Pigmon would be answering!


You see, it's my understanding that most women have difficulty opening things like jars, bottles or doors. That's where the pliers come in.


Check out this:

As you can see, lids have been the bane of women from time immemorial. Remember, not all lids are as easy to open as Alcoa brand lids and with these handy pliers you can save her the embarrassment of having to interrupt your game when she's trying to open the salsa for your chips! Not only do they feature an adjustable width to tackle larger bottles or jars, but the smooth rubber handle won't chafe her hands or chip her nails!

Note: these pliers are not recommended for opening doors - she'll still have to rely on you for that.

2. PRO-SERIES Drywall Stilts - $135.00 at Home Depot

If there's one thing all women are terrified of (besides wearing the same dress as another woman at a party) it's mice! One minute she's chopping celery for the tuna casserole, the next she's screeching like a banshee at the top of her lungs, desperately teetering on a chair, bleeding fear, at the sight of mousical danger below.


With these brilliant PRO-SERIES Drywall stilts, your lady friend will be whistling a happy tune as she calmly divvies up the tuna casserole, should she find herself confronted by one of these furry fear machines.


And with the handy height adjustment, she should feel safe from any rodent up to capybara size.

Always a good idea to protect your lady parts around rodents.

3. California Girl Fake Nail Kit - $5.68 at Walmart.com

All women want to look their best while still being able to keep a clean tidy house and a well fed you. However, this can create a dilemma. Cleaning and scrubbing takes it's toll on the hands.


See here:

With these beautiful fake nails she can continue to do the work she loves and not have to worry about showing you cracked mangly troll paws.

It's a perfect gift for any woman, even if your lady friend is a fourteen fingered mutant like the gal in this ad.

4. Kidde Kidde 408-466141 3 Lb. 10Bc Kitchen-Garage Fire Extinguisher - $26.34 at Sears

Women are a fragile powder keg of emotional insecurities. She's just one chipped nail away from a Defcon 5 emotional meltdown. With this in mind, it's only a matter of time before your ham steak becomes a Viking funeral. Yes, sooner or later she's going to start a fire. 


Be ready for that day with this practical, yet stylish, fire extinguisher. It's big enough to handle any kitchen crises yet light enough for her to use. Just remember to go over the instructions for proper fire extinguisher use before inferno time!

Pro tip: Always point out things she didn't burn. It'll make her feel better.

BONUS:
If you've already given your gal pal all the gifts already suggested, Mr. Pigmon offers this bit of bonus advice! Try this handy list:

Pro tip: Make sure you do it before she cries!


Well, that's if for now! See ya soon Boss!

Mr. Pigmon's Guide to Marital Bliss: Part 1

Hey Boss! Mr. Pigmon here! I'm here to help all YOU ladies achieve "Marital Bliss!" I don't have a P.H.D., any psychological or sociological training, and I've never actually met a woman. Hell, I'm not even human! Ha ha! All of this makes me well suited to offer advice on how YOU should live to attain that harmonious relationship with your hubby!

Let me start by saying although I've never met a woman, I've seen plenty of television and movies and especially vintage guidance materials so I have a better view than most on the subject!


Part 1: What kind of woman will you be?

Scientists have determined that there are to kinds of women, as demonstrated by this chart:

Fig 1: What will the girl become? Ho or homemaker?

As a girl develops, decisions she makes will determine what kind of woman she will become. If she makes "bad" choices (illustrated above on the left) she will wind up an Outcast: a manless, unmarried, probably drunken, self-hating, crazy cat lady. If she makes "good" choices (shown on the right) she will become an honored grandmother, or the Donna Reed.

Clearly, if you are a woman who wants marital bliss, the right side is the right choice! This means, that early on, you must avoid bad literature (anything that will put 'ideas' in your head). I would recommend you read the Dick and Jane series, good wholesome stories, and not too difficult for the developing female mind! Also, as indicated, obedience is key! Once you learn that, the key to happiness is close at hand!

Make "good" choices, obey, and this could be you!

Now, maybe your saying, "But Mr. Pigmon, I'm already 26, living a fast life with dissipation. What do I do now?" Well, I'm sorry Ms. Winehouse but, there's not much I can do.

Fig 2: Fast life and dissipation

Remember ladies, the world is wide open to you. Whether you want to be a homemaker or teacher, or seamstress or stay at home mom, the decisions you make, or better yet, that your husband makes for you, will determine what kind of woman you will become.





Don't worry! Mr. Pigmon will return with more marital advice soon!

Oh, and remember, Mr. Pigmon is here to help! If you have any comments or questions feel free to leave them!

See ya, Boss!